Episode 28/Transcript
(A montage of various cheer members are shown) Announcer: (voiceover) Live from Daytona Beach, Florida, it's the 2013 NHSCA Cheer Nationals! There's gonna be flips, there's gonna be spirit, there's gonna be a whole lot of words being spelled out with people's arms! So sit back, relax, and prepare to enjoy the finest competitors in America's most prestigious fake sport only on TWAT: Television for Women and Tweens. (Bert and Jeannie are shown) Let's go down to our hosts, modeling agent Jeannie Halverstad and the former voice of the National Football League, Bert Hickey. Jeannie: Well I, along with the rest of our capacity crowd, am extremely excited about this year's competition. What about you, Bert? Bert: Five months ago, I was announcing the Super Bowl. Now I'm commenting on a glorified PE class. Jeannie: Well, maybe you wouldn't have lost your job if you hadn't been so liberal with your use of the n-word on national television! Bert: The power was out in the stadium, I thought the mics were down! Jeannie: Nonetheless, I think we can expect these girls to show us the nation's finest cheerleading, all while maintaining poise, confidence, and the utmost in elegance. We'll be right back after this, You're watching TWAT. Man: (off-screen) And cut! Jeannie: Jesus titty fucking Christ, can somebody get Bert a cup of coffee! And a mint! God''damn'', what did you have for breakfast, a bottle of Dewar's? Bert: I also had a bagel! Jeannie: Well you smell like a skunk's taint. Bert: I'm a legend! Jeannie: Oh please, you're one scandal away from being the new head coach at Penn State. Bert: Oh, too soon. Jeannie: Fuck off, now where the hell is my nonfat skinny caramel hazelnut jamocha cappucino? (Mackenzie, Trisha, Brittnay, and Saison arrive) Trisha: Imagine my surprise when it turns out it did not say "Welcome to Flo Rida!" Mackenzie: Okay ladies, lock it up! We've reached the promised land. Cheer Nationals! JC Harmon Cheerleader: Who the fuck are you? Staten Island Cheerleader: Who the fuck are you? Austin Cheerleader: Who the fuck are you? JC Harmon Cheerleader: Who the fuck are you? (All the cheerleaders begin talking all at once) Brittnay: Jesus Christ, what a fucking shitshow. Producer: Cut! Brittnay: Ugh, what now? Producer: I think you meant to say "fudging poop-show"? Now that's a ruined take! Do you know how much that costs us? Brett: Well, actually, we're shooting digital, so it doesn't even— Producer: Shut up Brett! Shut your little tiny girl mouth. If your mother wasn't my mistress, I never would have hired you. Now do you want to be famous? Brittnay: Yes. Producer: Well then how bout you keep your trashy little fuck me mouth clean from now on? Brittnay: Fine. Jenna Dapananian: Wait, um, I'm confused. Are we—is this a TV show. Trisha: Our entire lives are TV shows. Jenna Dapananian: What? Wait, and why is the French girl on the team now? Saison: Oh, do you not remember? I was le victor of the cheer tryouts! Jenna Dapananian: We had cheer tryouts? What the— Mackenzie: Yes, and by the way, Saison, I'm really glad that this is the week you decided to start showing. Saison: Yes, the baby inside of me is bursting forth like a legionnaire inside of my, how do you say— Brittnay: Stomach! Inside of your stomach! God! Saison: Actually I was going to my say my, how do you say, uterus. Brittnay: Son of a—''(Producer clears throat loudly)'' Son of a gun! Son of a freaking gun! Arrrrrggghhhh! Staten Island Cheerleader: Oh what do we have here? The Overland Park Cheer Squad, huh? (laughs) I've heard a lot about you girls. You think you're hot shit, huh? Well, the Staten Island School for Girls is gonna put you in your fucking place. In fact, why don't we make a little wager, bitches. Mackenzie: Well, actually we already have a squad that's our arch-rivals, so— Jenna Dapananian: We do? Brittnay: Yeah, we've got a whole wager and a whole backstory thing going so— Staten Island Cheerleader: Oh my God, so sorry. Here I am like an asshole, hey do you know if Austin has a rival yet? Brittnay: No, I don't think so... Staten Island Cheerleader: Hey Austin, you bunch of hipster cowboy weirdos, who the fuck are you? Austin Cheerleader: (off-screen) Who the fuck are you, partner? Mackenzie: Trisha, where is Ashley Katchadorian? Trisha: Well, she texted me saying she'd be here promptly at nine forty-five. And in case you're wondering, I did make sure it was am. I'm not an idiot. (gasps) But we didn't discuss time zones! Tanya: Well if it isn't the Overland Park Cheer Squad and their head cheerleader, Vin Diesel. Mackenzie: (laughs) Oh, that's funny Tanya. Why don't you go—You're such a—Ugh! Brittnay, I can't curse. Will you handle this? Brittnay: Gladly! Listen here you bunch of little— Producer: (clears throat) We're rolling! Brittnay: Ugh! Right. Jenna, I can't curse. Handle it. Jenna Dapanianan: Okay, but who exactly are these girls? Saison: Oh, they seem very nice! Brittnay: Oh my god, for the love of—Trisha! It's up to you! Mackenzie: Trisha, you're the only one that can curse. I need you to put these b-words in their place. Trisha: Right! Okay! I'm sorry about this. Trisha 2: Do what you must! Trisha: I'll never forget you. You girls are shit from a butt that smells like bitch. Which is what you are, as well, so fuck... in your butts... all the shit that bitches are. And—and—you fuck that shit that's all in your butt, and you put it in the f—the bitch that is your face, cause you're a f— Brittnay: Oh my god, Trisha, Trisha, please—Trisha please stop. Trisha: Oh my god. How did I do? Trisha 2: You were great! Trisha: You're alive! Trisha 2: Yeah? Taylor: Aww, that's cute, but you'll have to excuse us if we're not too intimidated by some poop in our butt jokes. Tanya: That was like being cursed out like a Mad Lib. Is that really all you girls have? Brittnay and Mackenzie: Ugh, brr, egh, ummm... Jeannie: Your attention please! Tanya: Oh, if you'll excuse me, my future agent is speaking. I should probably listen. Jeannie: Ladies can we gather around, please. (quietly) When I get off this stage, you'd better have an iced coffee with three bars of Xanax ground into it. Today's competition is about to begin. And remember ladies, today's festivities are not just about cheerleading. I'll also have my eye out for potential clients at the Halverstad modeling agency. Who knows, today one of you could go from part-time model to semi-full time model, or, if you're lucky, seasonal full time model. Taylor: Hey boo-boo, heard you broke up with your boyfriend. Don't worry bout it, I'm gonna own that ass all day today. Brittnay: (laughs) right back at you Taylor. Jeannie: And I don't care if you're thin, short, tall or fat. After all, Wal-Mart casts commercials too. (laughs) No, what I'm looking for is a big smile, maybe a cute little button nose, and most definitely a full head of luscious, lovely, hair. Tanya: Well, two out of three ain't bad. I'm kidding. It's terrible. (laughing) Oh my god, I don't think it's ever gonna come back! You look like Sinead O'Connor. What's wrong with you? (Matthew and Blaine are walking along) Matthew: Well, I tell you what, it's not the heat that gets you. It's the humidity. Blaine: You're telling me! Wearing a tie was a mistake! Tanner: Hey guys! What are you doing here? Matthew: Oh well, my girlfriend and Blaine's girlfriend are both cheering in this competition. Blaine: Oh plus, I wanted to be here to support my son. Matthew: Yes Blaine, I'm sure that you'll be nominated for the almost father of the year award. Blaine: What are you doing here, Tanner? Tanner: Oh well, Tristan and I actually do this every year. Tristan: Well hello boys, having fun? How could you not? Honey, I just found out that in fifteen minutes, there's going to be a flexibility workshop in the convention center annex. They're gonna teach us how to do the splits. I don't think I need to tell you that I'm gonna be going, but I mean I guess I just did! How adorbs am I right now? Tanner: Thaaat sounds fun, sweetie. But I think I'll just hang out with the guys. Blaine: Oh, sounds good, we were just gonna go get some hot dogs. Than: Ooh, hot dogs! I love food shaped like penises! You know, because I'm gay! Tanner: Goddammit, Jonathan! How the fuck did you get here? Than: Uh, gee, let me think. An airplane, idiot. Matthew: Right, but, why are you here in Daytona Beach? Than: I followed them here! Y—you wouldn't understand though. It's a gay thing. Tanner: No, it's not. It's a stalker thing. Tristan: Oh how sweet, it's like a little gay Homeward Bound! Than, you should be Chance, Tanner you're definitely Shadow, and I get to be Sally Fields, rowr! Than: Alright, so a couple of dick dogs, and then you guys wanna troll around for some strange? Tristan and Tanner: Ughhhh... Matthew: It doesn't get more strange. (Everyone walks off) Jeannie: So because of those eighteen reasons, pyrotechnics will not be allowed this year. Have a good competition girls, I'll be keeping my eyes open! Happy cheering! Angie: Great speech, Jeannie! Jeannie: Oh, thanks for the newsflash, it's what I do for a living, dipshit. Angie: (sighs) It's okay, it's okay, Angie, it's okay. Tanya: Well, Mackenzie, you may want to leave now and spare your scalp the stress of losing. Mackenzie: You know what, Tanya— Ashley: Oh hey guys, hope I didn't miss anything important. Mackenzie: Ugh, there you are! Brittnay: It's Florida, why the hell are you wearing a trenchcoat. Ashley: Oh yes, I suppose things are heating up in here, aren't they? (Ashley takes off her trenchcoat, revealing an Atchison Cheer Squad uniform) (Mackenzie, Brittnay, Trisha, and Jenna Dapananian all gasp) Tanya: Oh, Mackenzie, have you met the newest member of the Atchison High Cheer Squad? Ashley Katchadorian? Mackenzie: WHAT THE— Tanya: Ah, ah, ah Mackenzie, wouldn't want to lose more hair right now, would you? Brittnay: You little— Producer: Ah, ixnay on the ursing-cay, umbass-day! Jenna Dapananian: Okay, if I wasn't confused before, I sure as fuck am now. Tanya: Well, I'll leave you girls to mull over these recent developments. Ladies, let's go gather up the rest of our squad. We have a national championship to win! Taylor: Haha! Bitch! (Taylor, Tanya, Trisha 2, and Ashley walk away) Mackenzie: Well, I guess that's it. Brittnay: We are so screwed. Trisha: What did we ever do to Ashley Katchadorian? Oh wait, o—oh my God. Brittnay: What are we gonna do now? Mackenzie: There's nothing we can do. We're not gonna be allowed to cheer with five members. We might as well pack our bags, go home, and kiss Oak Park Mall goodbye one last time. Deandra: Not so fast! (Trisha, Mackenzie, and Brittnay all gasp) Jenna Dapanian: Oh, great, the robot girl. Whatever the fuck that means. Jesus Christ. (walks off) (Trisha and Trisha 2 are shown) Trisha: Alright, so, okay, um, thank—thank you for all the lessons, I just wanted to, like, let's just freestyle, like— Trisha 2: (gasps) Oh my god, I would love to freestyle. Trisha: Off the top of my head, okay, alright, here we go. Trisha 2: Go. Trisha: Alright, alright. Bitch. Trisha 2: Oh, cock. Trisha and Trisha 2: Oh god! Trisha: Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, fuck! Trisha 2: I was gonna say fuck! Trisha: Don't worry, there's like so many! Trisha 2: Uh, shit! (they both laugh) Trisha: Okay, alright, alright... gallbladder! Trisha 2: (gasps) Is that a curse word? trisha: Well, I mean, it sounds like one, it sounds real dirty. Trisha 2: OMG you're right, it sounds super dirty! Motherfucking cunt gallbladder! Trisha: Yeah, take that in your gallbladder, you bitch! Trisha 2: Shove it. Shove a penis in your gallbladder, yeah!